The Doctor in Saint-Tropez
by The Threat
Summary: Moving on from my earlier story 'Interception', this story pays homage to a French comedian.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: the narrator and the character "Maen" are mine. "Doctor Who" and related characters and situations are owned by the BBC, and everything else is from every movie starring Louis de Funès.

* * *

Upon seeing the Tardis on the outside, Emma thought the Doctor was joking. And when Maen and I confirmed it wasn't a joke, she became convinced it was an elaborate hoax. Even more so when she entered that "stupid blue box".

"Oh come on!" she cried, "You can't be serious."

"Serious about what?" the Doctor replied, apparently anticipating something else.

"This has to be a trick!" she said, "This box can't be..."

Maen looked at me, questioningly: "Are all people of your planet like this?"

"It is amazing, in a way." I explained, "We dare to imagine a lot of things, but for our fantasies to suddenly become a reality... more often than not, it's too much to digest."

"I can see that." Maen replied, "Even that guard from before thought I was something from a holo-show when he saw my light-saber."

I had to assume a "holo-show" would be Maen's galaxy's equivalent of our TV-show. In which case she'd still be wrong, as said guard mentioned "Galaxy Wars", which is a movie.

"Very well, Doctor." we heard Emma call out, "Prove to me this isn't a trick."

"I can do better than that." the Doctor replied, upon which he started pressing a few buttons.

"What? Is that supposed to do anything?" Emma questioned.

"Your accent tells me your from Ipswich. Am I right?" the Doctor asked.

Emma stopped talking, surprised he'd notice: "Yes?"

"Hang on." the Doctor said, just when the Tardis started moving.

Or at least, only those who traveled in it before would realize it was moving, but to someone new like Emma, it would look like just some thing in the middle that's going up and down, a few sound effects, and some mild shocking effects (which you can experience in any theme park ride). On top of that, this lasted a few seconds, and nothing more.

"What? You're a special effects bloke?" Emma asked.

"Where did you drop us off this time?" Maen wondered.

"What do you mean?" Emma questioned, "We're still in Tel Aviv, aren't we?"

Not very far away from it, I thought to myself, given how short the trip was. Curious, I went on to look outside.

"Nope." the Doctor answered Emma's question, "We're in Ipswich"

"You can't be serious." she didn't believe it.

"Where's Ipswich?" Maen asked.

"It's another Earth city." the Doctor answered, "Nowhere near Tel Aviv, mind you, but on Earth none the less."

"You people are insane." Emma remarked.

"Doc!" I called out to him.

"Yes?" the Doctor turned to see me looking outside.

"I don't think we're in Ipswich"

"We're not?" this surprised him, "Did I mistake it for Bolton again?"

I scoffed: "I don't even think we're in the U.K."

"Of course we're not!" Emma was ecstatic.

"Or Tel Aviv." I added, annoyed with her continuous skepticism.

This made the Doctor more than curious. He ran to the door, followed by Emma. Both looked outside, but each had a different reaction to what they were seeing. The Doctor looked gleeful, while Emma was confused.

"That seems to shut her up." Maen gloated.

"Let's just hope it'll last." I said.

It did... for a moment. Emma got out of the Tardis, and noticed a grave change of scenery. This wasn't the metropolis she had spend the last few... years (I have to assume) of her life in. It was what looked like a fisherman's village. And not even that, since there were so many people walking about, leaving no room for cars to drive through, All of these people were from many corners of the world, making what looked like a fisherman's town look more like a tourist spot. As soon as Emma had taken in her new surroundings, she turned around and looked at the Tardis. It still looked like a police box. Given that she had to walk around it, I deduced she couldn't comprehend how an entire room could fit in that little box.

"So... it's true! All of it." she finally accepted it.

"This is nothing. It's a whole building inside that thing." I told her, which made her jaw drop.

"You were right, my friend." the Doctor said, "This isn't Ipswich or Bolton. It's Saint-Tropez."

"Saint-Tropez?" this surprised Emma, "As in... France?"

Maen was confused, "You never traveled great distances before?"

"Not like this." Emma told her, "Or that fast."

"You people are starting to look more primitive every second." Maen questioned.

"What do you mean by that?" Emma questioned, "What makes you so high and mighty?"

While they were arguing, I remembered what Saint-Tropez meant to me.

"Something wrong?" the Doctor asked, as he must have noticed the look I had on my face.

"Is this still the year 1992?" I asked him.

Emma interrupted her own argument to answer me: "Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be?"

"Well..." the Doctor replied, "I might have gotten the space wrong, but I didn't change anything about the time-settings.

"Time-settings?" Emma wondered.

"Plus..." the Doctor continued uninterrupted, "... looking at the dress-code, the technology, and er..."

He took one quick look around, then someone throwing something in the public bin. He went to that bin and took it out. It was a newspaper, where he only needed to see the date.

"Yes, it's still 1992." the Doctor finished.

He showed me the front page of the paper, so to prove his point. What immediately stood out to me wasn't the date, but the headline. It said something about a diamond being stolen. Along with the headline was a surveillance picture of a man wearing a gray mask. I looked past that and looked at the date, which was indeed 1992.

"I see."

"So what makes... Sentropay so special?" Maen asked.

I glared at her. Could she possibly butcher "Saint-Tropez" even more?

"Why don't you ask him?" the Doctor pointed to me.

"Me?"

"Of course." he said, "You immediately knew this wasn't the UK, so I therefor assume you know this place."

"Hardly." I said, "My parents had to drag me here when I was a kid. I neither like or care about this place."

"Ah." the Doctor said, though I wasn't sure what to make of this, "Then it looks like we'll have to find out for ourselves."

He started walking, and the rest of us followed, whether we liked it or not.


	2. Chapter 2

I should probably rephrase my last statement, as I was the only one who didn't particularly like being there. Being in Saint-Tropez reminded me of the many times I was there, against my own will, almost like I was being kept hostage by my own parents. But the Doctor was ecstatic. To him, the town was the perfect place for... pretty much everything. Admiring the talents of sketch-artists (which you seemed to find at every corner), surprised to see people scam others with dancing puppets (which had Maen thrilled for some reason). Emma, on the other hand, while she was admiring the view, she was worried about her work back in Tel Aviv, but the Doctor merely told her to not worry about it. For some reason, all she needed was to see one large yacht nearby, and be thrilled just by the sight of it.

"Why are you so easily bored?" Maen asked me at some point.

"Bored isn't the right word to use." I explained to her, "And besides, why are you so easily thrilled? I thought in your own galaxy you'd have seen... more than this."

"But nothing as simple as all this." Maen replied, "This may be the future, but you people live exactly like how my people used to live."

"My past is your future." I said, "Not sure if I can get used to the idea."

"Who do you reckon is on that boat?" Emma had asked the Doctor, pointing to one of the yachts.

"I don't know." he answered, "There are few guards, so I don't think it's any celebrity. Possibly a business-man of some sort."

This intrigued Maen: "You mean somebody rich? Why would he want to come here?"

"This coast is known for its high temperatures and friendly beaches." the Doctor explained.

He had more to say, but I wasn't particularly interested, so I turned away. A man passed by just then, talking to his cell-phone. I was aghast at the size of that phone. I was so accustomed to the smaller ones that exist in my own time, it had become hard to fathom they once were such large boxes at one point. But the subject of his conversation was what truly baffled me.

"The police still got nothing? Of course not. To them, the theft of cauliflower isn't a huge priority."

Theft of cauliflower? If I heard that as a child, I wouldn't know why it should be a priority either.

"No, don't tell them you work for the Guide. They'll only laugh at your face, and slow down their work."

Angrily, he disconnected the call and walked away, still agitated.

Several questions came to mind. What was this Guide he was talking about? Why wouldn't the police take it seriously, and why make such a big deal about cauliflower? I shrugged it off, realizing that there was no use thinking about a conversation that I didn't follow from the beginning and had no business listening to even if I did.


	3. Chapter 3

We continued walking through Saint-Tropez. I am sure the city was nice and all, but having to visit it against my will when I was a child, it made walking through it hell.

"Why does everybody know English?" Emma had to ask.

"What's English?" Maen wondered.

Only the Doctor was amused, prompting me to ask: "Exactly how many times did you have to explain that to people?"

"Surprisingly few times." he explained, "My earlier companions just accepted the truth of what they saw, and never questioned it."

"What are you two whispering about?" Emma cut in.

I sighed: "You sure it's the right time to hear this?"

This somehow caused Emma to have this look of epiphany on her. She looked at her watch and cursed: "I'm supposed to be back at work now!"

"You don't have to worry about that." the Doctor assured her, "What's time when you have a time machine?"

Before Emma could give a reaction, I turned around, facing the other direction.

"What's the matter with you?" Emma questioned.

"That's me back there." I whispered, pointing behind me.

"It is?" I couldn't see him, but I sensed him turning around to look, "Ah yes, I see the resemblance."

"What do you mean that's you?" Emma couldn't believe it.

"How can you be there while you're here?" Maen added to the list of questions.

I dared not answer. This was a moment I dreaded, to meet my seven-year-old self, visiting the city along with the family.

"And why are you visiting the Gendarmérie?" the Doctor questioned.

I remembered what that was about. We had parked our car just outside a theme park that was near the city. When we returned after a few hours at the theme park, we found our car, broken into. Not just was the money left in the car stolen, some of our bags, suitcases and other things were opened up, its contents tossed on the floor. Of course we reported that to the authorities. This was what I answered to the Doctor.

"I see." he said, "Well, maybe this is a time for you find out who did it."

I turned to look at him: "Is that even safe?"

"Are you blokes serious?" Emma still couldn't believe it.

"Serious about what? Why aren't you telling me anything?" Maen complained.

It really seemed funny to me, how one woman is could be so technologically advanced, and yet it's the more primitive one that has any grasp on the concept of time-travel.

"Maybe you could explain all of this to them, while I listen in on your report." the Doctor suggested, just as he rushed into the Gendarmérie.

"Hey! I'm not leaving you out of my sight!" Emma shouted after him.

"Leave him be." I stopped her, "Once he has his mind set on something, there's no stopping him."

As the Doctor suggested, I explained everything to the two women. Why everyone seems to speak English, or at least a language which they could understand (for obvious reasons, I didn't tell them how I perceive what everyone's saying), how the Tardis is a time machine (so Emma shouldn't worry about being late for work), how I could possibly be on two places at once (it apparently amazed Emma to hear I was from what she would call the future) and... surprisingly, Maen was the one to explain how it could be bigger on the inside. Apparently, her own people had developed a similar technology. If it didn't, her grand-father's ship (with which we saved the universe the first time we met her) wouldn't have been as big as before. It surprised me that I didn't notice that myself, that her ship was bigger on the inside. But then, something like that is easier to see a building inside a box than it is to see a larger ship inside a smaller one.

"Interesting lady, your mother is." the Doctor said as soon as he returned.

"Don't tell me." was my dry response.

"So what did you find out?" Emma wondered.

"Nothing much." the Doctor answered, "At least not where your burglary is concerned. You forgot to mention they looked into your portable fridges as well."

"It's seventeen years ago. How should I remember that detail?"

"If they stole your food, I think you should remember that." Maen remarked.

"IF they stole his food." the Doctor emphasized, "But they didn't."

I snickered: "They wouldn't happen to be looking for cauliflower?"

Emma laughed, Maen was puzzled (as she probably didn't know what cauliflower is), but the Doctor was surprised: "Why would you ask that?"

Taken aback at his sudden seriousness, I replied: "I overheard some guy talking about it earlier. Why?"

"Because there was a Gendarme in there, complaining about how they've received too many calls about cauliflowers being stolen."

"Why would anyone want to steal cauliflower?" Emma wondered.

"I don't know." the Doctor replied.

"How does it help solving the problem?" Maen asked.

"Maybe the car-burglars and the cauliflower-thieves are connected."

"Bit of a stretch, don't you think?" I told him.

"My friend, you've been downloaded inside a computer, you've seen plastic move on its own, and you've seen humans next to dinosaurs. How can this be a stretch?"

I've seen more than just our earlier adventures, but instead of saying that I nodded in agreement.

"So how do you want to go about this?" Maen asked.

"Glad you asked."

I wasn't sure I was glad he answered.


	4. Chapter 4

Did I have a good reason not to like the Doctor's answer. With all the cauliflower stolen in and around the area, we had no other option, but to use the Tardis, transport ourselves to a northern area, buy ourselves a load of cauliflower, return to Saint-Tropez, and sell some at the main street market. Naturally, some of the local restaurants were pleased, but it didn't lead us any closer to the truth. At best, we helped the restaurant industry, so this "guide" from earlier could be helped. Otherwise, I had to wear an apron, talk to people (who had more than "bonjour" to say to me), and had to bear the smell of so many cauliflowers in one place for several hours. All seemed to be going nowhere, until a tall bald man in a suit came to us.

"Nice booth you have here." he said, though he didn't sound like he was giving a compliment.

"Why thank you." the Doctor replied, "It works fine, for something that was hastily put together."

"If you say so yourself." I could tell from Emma's tone that she felt he was bragging.

"So... would you like some cauliflower?" the Doctor asked.

"Do you have a permit?" he asked.

"A permit?" I didn't see any look of alarm on the Doctor's face, "Why would a fine gentleman like you ask for a permit?"

The man grunted, then took an I.D. from his vest-pocket: "Inspector Ducros."

Oh great, I thought to myself, a cop. That would explain why he was more serious than anyone else I had encountered.

"What's an inspector?" Maen asked.

I said the first thing that came to mind: "He means he's a law enforcer."

"So law enforcers would stop us from trying to catch thieves?"

"Did I hear that right?" the man, Ducros, turned to Maen, "Are you saying you're taking justice into your own hands."

"Watch yourself!" Maen shouted at him, dropping the crate of cauliflower she was holding at the time. It fell on Ducros' feet (judging from the agony on his face), but Maen didn't seem to care: "My people are the best in the galaxy in solving problems."

"Er... Maen." I tried to stop her.

"Stay out of this!" she shouted at me.

"No, no, no." the Doctor came between us, "I'm sure that if a police inspector comes to investigate us, there's a good reason."

"Oh yeah!" Maen didn't believe him, "And what would that be?"

Somehow, I knew exactly what Ducros would say.

"I'll ask the questions here."

That's what I thought.

"You'll have to excuse these two." Emma told him, "They're... not from around here."

Ducros raised an eyebrow: "Neither are you, judging from your accent."

Emma was confused. I suppose she would be, since she'd be hearing Ducros talk in a language she understood, while I keep hearing him speak French. To me it was funny to hear him say he'd think her speaking English is a different accent instead of a different language, while Emma had to wrap her head around the notion her language is understood as a different accent.

"Well, since you're being so... friendly, I suppose I could tell you." the Doctor answered, "We're trying to investigate something. Of course, we'll relay everything we find out to the proper authorities, but you have to give us some time."

Ducros looked at the Doctor, skeptically: "And that gives you an excuse to stand here without a permit?"

"Excuse me." I interrupted, "But why would a police inspector be investigating a vegetable vendor?"

"Are you questioning my authority?"

"Not your authority, so much as your jurisdiction."

"You're not as dumb as you make yourself out to be." the Doctor told me, then turned to Ducros, "He's right about two things. A police inspector would take on bigger cases. What does he care about vendors? And your accent isn't local either."

This rendered Ducros speechless: "We're done here."

"Hold it right there!" Maen stopped him by turning on her light-saber, "You don't just walk out of here!"

"Maen, calm down." the Doctor told her, "He knows more than he lets on. If you scare him, he won't tell us anything."

"He's not the only one she's scaring." Emma said, as she pointed around us.

And she was right. Some of passers-by had looked up when Maen raised her light-saber. I could see how some of the kids thought it was cool, while their parents would try and tell them it wasn't. I could even see my own mother as... I looked away as soon as I saw that angry look on her face.

"Inspector..." the Doctor told him, "Show them your I.D."

"What?" he couldn't understand.

"Let them know it's all under control."

Still panicked, Ducros did exactly that. He flashed his I.D., and told the people they shouldn't worry, that she'll be taken in immediately.

"Taken in?" Maen couldn't understand it.

"Just turn off your saber now." the Doctor whispered to her, "Let him feel more comfortable with us."

Maen didn't like it, judging from her reluctance, but she did as she was told anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

All five of us entered the Tardis again. At first, Ducros was surprised, for two reasons. One, a police box was never used in France, so the notion itself was new to him. That other reason being that since it bore the word police on it, it meant (so Ducros told us) that we were with the police ourselves. While that may not be accurate, at least it gave him some basis to trust us. So he entered the Tardis with us. He looked up surprised, once he saw the interior, but just shrugged it off after.

"A shrug?" the Doctor complained, "Is that all you can do? Just shrug."

"I'm sure it's one of those tricks they use in theme parks too." he explained, "But I'm too old to try and comprehend them now."

In other words, he was too old to be impressed by anything. If ever there was a reason to fear growing old...

"But since you're with the police..." he interrupted my thoughts, "... I suppose it is safe to share classified information with you."

"That would be nice." the Doctor said.

"You are right to think that I have nothing to look for here, since I've retired years ago." he explained, "However, the news has been erratic lately."

"Erratic? How?" judging from the tone of her voice, I assumed Emma didn't hear much European news in Tel Aviv.

"It all started with the theft of the Yucuncun." he explained.

"The what?" both Maen and I asked in unison.

"You don't know? It's the most famous diamond ever!" Emma explained.

"It became even more famous after it was stolen once before in the mid-sixties." Ducros further explained, "Ever since, the diamond became the one jewel in the world everyone wants to see, and everyone wants to own, forcing museums to tighten their security."

"But to no avail, I take it?" the Doctor questioned.

"No." Ducros answered, "Which is weird. I was invited to look at how tight the security was. And from what I saw, there was no way any human could have stolen it.

"Human?" the Doctor questioned.

"Personally, I wasn't too surprised it was stolen, since people will always find a way to steal the unstealable." Ducros explained, "But the method by which it was stolen, didn't make any sense. One of the guards shot all the other guards, using a weapon we've never seen before. He allowed access to a group of men, lead by a man in a gray mask, who then took the Yukunkun, and left. But when the police looked for the guard in question, he was found bound and gagged in his own apartment, claimed to have been attacked by someone who at first looked like a nice young lady, but suddenly started to look like him."

A guy in a gray mask? Didn't I see a picture of him in the paper?

"And you think these men may be here in Saint-Tropez?" the Doctor asked.

"My old friend, Gerber..." Ducros answered, "... who's retired too, told me about a man with a gray mask, going around stealing cauliflower. I thought it couldn't be a coincidence, so I alerted the police about it. But of course, being a retired inspector, they just thought I was looking for some action, so they didn't take me seriously. That's why I headed out here by myself."

"And since we were selling cauliflower..." the Doctor understood.

"Yes, you drew my attention." Ducros answered, "It is sad, really."

"What? That you wouldn't be taken seriously?" I asked.

"No, that the new police wouldn't take Phantomas seriously."

Phantomas? Why did that name sound familiar?

"Phantomas? You can't be serious." the Doctor said.

"What's a Phantomas?" Maen asked.

"Only France's most wanted criminal." the Doctor explained, "Thief, murderer, extortionist, master of disguise,... he makes Darth Vader look like someone who simply craved for attention."

Ducros, judging from the look on his face, had no idea who Darth Vader was, but he shook his head. Maybe he assumed Vader was someone who in the mind of Maen must be the most dangerous man that ever lived, and the Doctor just said Phantomas was worse, and he (Ducros) didn't need to know more than that.

"Of course, even when the first Phantomas died, his crimes didn't end there." he continued.

"Yes, many copycats emerged." the Doctor explained, "I heard the last one died in a rocket-explosion."

"Correct." Ducros said, "However, every next copycat who claims to be Phantomas, or in this case somebody who wears the same sort of mask as the last Phantomas, always turns out to be more creative than the last."

"So... Phantomas basically becomes more dangerous every generation." I deduced.

"That's correct."

"I wouldn't say that." Emma said, "After all, he stole one diamond, and now he's gone bonkers and thinks stealing cauliflower is more important."

"No." the Doctor said, "Somebody bold enough to wear Phantomas' mask would know better. Stealing cauliflower may sound random, but I'm sure there's a reason why he's stealing it."

"I dunno." I said, "Doesn't ruining restaurants sound a little... childish?" I asked.

"Ruining restaurants?" the Doctor asked.

"Remember that guy I mentioned?" I told him, "The one I overheard talking about the cauliflower? He said something about this... guide he worked for."

"The Duchemin Guide?" the Doctor asked.

"He didn't say that."

"Well, there's one example." the Doctor said, "If there are no more cauliflowers, several chefs can't finish many of their meals. If they can't, then people who want cauliflower would lose interest in the restaurants. Restaurants will be ruined, chefs will be out of works, and given more time, people won't know how to prepare food anymore."

"That does sound like something Phantomas would do." Ducros agreed.

Maen started laughing: "I can't believe how your people could make such a big deal out of vegetables."

"Take it from me, Earth is a strange world." I said.

"Well, now that we know who we're hunting..." the Doctor said, "... we now know the best bait to use."

"We do?" Ducros said what everyone of us was thinking.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor ran into the back of the console room. Wondering what he was up to, I followed him. He wandered into a room, and as I walked closer to its door, I saw several pieces of clothes being tossed out of there. I had to assume that was his dressing room. Odd that I hadn't seen this up to now. I entered the room, trying to dodge the clothes he was tossing.

"What... are... what are you... looking for?" I only just managed to ask.

"If there's one thing every criminal mastermind hates, it's someone pretending to be him." he explained, "And luckily, this mastermind wears a mask, so..."

"So you're gonna pretend to be Phantomas, hoping you would lure him here?"

"Not just that." he answered, "Another thing he wouldn't like, is if the pretender was doing exactly the opposite of what he's doing. Like selling the Cauliflowers to whoever needs them."

"Which could well be what he planned to do from the start." Ducros suddenly entered the room, "Steal everything, so he would sell it to everyone, at outrageous prices. So he won't like it if someone else is doing it before he does."

"Are you sure we even have enough cauliflower?" I asked.

"I don't have to." he answered, "All I have to do is send a message to all of Saint-Tropez, let them know where they can find cauliflower, when we'll be open for business, and Phantomas will want to visit us there, even if there's nothing to find."

"Are you saying you'll bluff him into coming here?" Emma asked, "That sounds dangerous."

Even more dangerous than her sudden appearance? Why did these people feel the need to sneak into the room and surprise us like that? In fact, it surprised me that Ducros (being an old man) didn't suffer a heart-attack.

"Count me in, then." Maen said, as I saw her suddenly entering the room.

"What is wrong with you?" Emma asked her, "Do you just thrive on danger?"

"Well, whatever Phantomas is like, he can't be any worse than what we feared." the Doctor said.

I wasn't too sure. Granted, a criminal like Phantomas seems nothing, compared to everything I had seen thus far, but... things do have a way of getting worse than expected.

"So... what is your plan precisely." Ducros asked.

"If I could find it... there!" the Doctor had found what he was looking for. A gray mask, that looked exactly like the one in the picture.

"I will dress myself as Phantomas, film myself as I talk into the camera, then high-jack the TV-broadcasts to show my message to them, and then wait for Phantomas to show up."

"And where are you going to wait for him?" Emma asked, "Being as dangerous as he is, I don't think you'll want to use the Tardis for this."

The Doctor thought about that: "You're right. I'll need a vacated area."

"Wait." Ducros took something out of his pockets.

Being a tourist, of sorts, of course he would have a map of the area in his pockets, And that was what he took from his pocket. He unfolded it and held it against the wall, for the Doctor to see. The Doctor looked at the map, He didn't need to take a long time, because he soon realized it was no use. He shook his head in defeat.

"What's wrong?" I wondered.

"The whole area is a tourist spot." the Doctor explained, "Wherever we go, there will be too many people who can fall victim to our trap."

"Not here." Ducros pointed to a spot on the map.

"What do you mean? There's a restaurant there." the Doctor questioned.

"It's an old map." Ducros replied, "I've been to the place myself, there was nothing there. Locals told me it was just stolen one day."

"Stolen?" Emma spoke before I could, "How do you steal a restaurant?"

"What do you mean?" Maen laughed, "It's very easy to steal even an entire ship."

"It doesn't matter." the Doctor said, "I should begin preparing our trap."

"I shall alert the Gendarmerie." Ducros said, "So they'll know what to expect, and they can provide back-up."

"You do that." the Doctor encouraged him.


	7. Chapter 7

With the mask on, the Doctor recorded his message, in which he told everyone where to wait for him. This message, he uploaded into his ship's computers, from where he would try to hack into every TV-station in the immediate vicinity.

"Pity, really." the Doctor said as he was punching buttons, "I always wanted to be on your TV."

"You sure this'll work?" I asked him.

"Of course it will." he said, "Why wouldn't it?"

"I mean you've said that Phantomas is a real mastermind. Don't you think he'll know it's a trap, and come prepared?"

"I'm sure he will." the Doctor replied, "But he wouldn't expect visitors from another planet to be setting the trap, will he? He won't be prepared for this."

"Maybe." I agreed, "But you're obviously clever enough to figure out he's behind it all. Don't you think he'll at least be prepared for that?"

"If he is, we still got a back-up plan." Maen assured me.

I looked at her: "Like what?"

She took out her light-saber, activated it and said: "Like me."

Before I could any sort of reaction to that, the Doctor spoke: "There, that should do it."

At that point, we heard a loud rapping at the Tardis' doors. All three of us looked, and saw that someone was trying to pull it open.

"Emma?" the Doctor shouted, but she didn't reply.

The Doctor opened the door, and in came... man in one of those old Gendarmerie uniforms, Emma followed suit.

"I'm sorry, Doctor." she apologized, "I tried to stop him, but he insisted..."

The Gendarme exclaimed a loud "oh" in amazement. Though he looked about the same age as Ducros, he apparently hadn't reached that moment yet where he stops being amazed at things.

"He must be one of those Gendarmes that would provide back-up." the Doctor said.

"This old geezer?" Maen said, "My uncle would be better back-up than that."

This seemed to wake the old man from his trance: "Old geezer? Who are you calling old, kid?"

Maen pointed her saber at him, threateningly: "What did you just say I am?"

"Maen, better keep that fighting spirit for Phantomas." I told her.

"So he wasn't joking." the old man said, upon hearing me, "You really think you can catch Phantomas?"

The Doctor smiled: "Of course we can, Mister...?"

"That's _Adjudant_." the old man replied, "_Adjudant-chef_ Cruchot."

"Chef Cruchot." the Doctor said.

"Well, I'm not convinced that you will." Cruchot told us, "I heard Ducros's story, but I didn't want to send back-up, unless I saw you myself."

"A universal truth." Maen complained, "Authorities let you down everywhere."

"Do you want me to write you a ticket?" Cruchot threatened.

"I wouldn't bother." I said.

"Doctor..." Emma proposed, "The Tardis is a time machine, isn't it?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe we could travel to tomorrow, so we can show him where and when Phantomas will be there, and we can set the trap up."

"Time machine?" Cruchot questioned, "Travel to tomorrow? What kind of nonsense is that?"

"That is cheating." the Doctor said.

"That didn't stop from helping yourself in Maen's galaxy." I remarked.

"It was different then." he explained, "The the whole universe was at stake."

"But all we need to do is convince our little man here." Emma reasoned.

The Doctor thought about this, while Cruchot had started to lash out at Emma for calling him a little man.

"Very well." the Doctor said, upon which he went up to the controls, pressed all the right buttons and all, and the Tardis traveled.

"What is going on?" Cruchot wondered.

After a few seconds, it was already over. The Doctor ran to the door, which he opened, so Cruchot could see for himself. This time, he had no words to say. We weren't at the docks where we were parked before, we were at a meadow, near the beach.

"How... did this... happen?"

"Welcome to tomorrow." the Doctor said.

"There." Emma whispered, "There they are."

Cruchot exclaimed again, but Maen pressed her hand against his mouth.

"Shut up. You want them to find us?"

"See?" the Doctor pointed out, "I told you they'd be here tomorrow."

I looked at where Emma pointed. And indeed, there were a group of about ten men there. All of them wore black clothes like burglars, but only one of them wore that gray mask. But there was something weird about all that. I saw one of the men talking to Phantomas, but he seemed to shiver at the sight of him. Almost like Phantomas was afraid of his own henchmen.

"Odd." the Doctor said.

"What is?" Emma asked.

"If Phantomas is the boss, why do his henchmen treat him like a slave?"

He turned back to the console, where turned on his screen again. With it, he zoomed in on them, and turned on the speaker, so we could hear the them talk.

"When will they be here?" Phantomas asked, "I'm getting hungry."

"Don't push us." one of the henchmen said.

What was strange wasn't so much that they spoke like the henchmen were in charge, but the language they spoke. They seemed to talk in siren-like wails.

"Oxoan?" the Doctor said.

"Ox-what?" Emma didn't understand.

"That's Oxoan they're speaking."

"What are you talking about?" Cruchot asked, "That's just French."

"Are we gonna have that discussion again?" Maen said exactly what I was thinking.

"No really." Cruchot said, "Why say such things about French?"

While he was starting his fight, I saw Phantomas begin one with the henchmen. Because of Cruchot's ranting, I could barely make out what they were saying, but I could see Phantomas getting angry and giving one of the henchman a push. The henchman didn't seem to feel the push, but that wasn't the weird part. When Phantomas' hand touched the henchman, it seemed to make this hollow sound, like he just hit an empty barrel. As soon as that sound came, Cruchot stopped ranting, looking at the screen, frightened. I wondered what he became so afraid of all the sudden. As that question ran through my mind, the henchman retaliated by pushing Phantomas, very hard, causing him to be throw a few meters back, away from where he was standing, landing on top of two of the other henchmen, creating that same hollow sound again. Cruchot shouted "ah" in panic, and ran away from the console and into the nearest door he could find.


	8. Chapter 8

We followed Cruchot, who began searching every room in the Tardis. None of us understood it. He heard Phantomas' henchmen making this hollow sound, and he started to panic, as if he just found out the world was about to end.

"Chef Cruchot, what's the matter?" Emma asked.

"He's clearly afraid of these guys." Maen said, happily, "So it's time for action."

"Patience." the Doctor told her.

"Shut up! All of you!" he said, "You don't know who you're dealing with! I do! I've stopped them before, I'll do it again!"

"You have?" the Doctor said what all of us were thinking at that time.

"They're extra-terrestrials!" Cruchot shouted, "They're a danger to our society! But they can be stopped! Just spray them with water, and they'll rust!"

Wait, they can't stand water... and they're in Saint-Tropez? Or even on Earth altogether?

"Is that what you're looking for? Water?" Emma asked.

"Peculiar." the Doctor said.

"What is?" I asked him.

"So we have an Oxoan, disguising himself as Phantomas, and we have androids forcing him to help them." he answered.

"What?" Cruchot was confused, "Are you even speaking French?"

The Doctor ignored that outburst: "If you would keep quiet for a moment, then maybe I can explain."

"All right." still agitated, Cruchot looked around... but found nothing in the room he was in, so instead he bent his knees, leaned himself against the wall, in such a way that he created the illusion that he's sitting on a chair.

He crossed his legs, and said: "I'm listening."

"Earthens have strange habits." Maen remarked, puzzled about what Cruchot was doing.

"No, this guy does." It old her, and felt weird having to tell her the following as well: "And we prefer being called Earthlings."

"Earthlings?" she laughed at that word.

"It's like this." the Doctor explained, "This Phantomas is from a planet called Oxo. They're a peaceful race, having everything they need and more. They would never resort to theft."

"But this one is." Cruchot remarked.

"Not by choice." he further explained, "Those others that are with him, they are forcing him into this. But it makes no sense why they would."

"Why not? They tried to take us over before." Cruchot remarked.

"Is that what they told you? Or is that how you interpreted their actions?"

Cruchot was appalled he'd even ask: "They took our forms! They stole all our oil! They made that restaurant disappear!"

"Again with that restaurant?" Emma questioned.

"Boy, he doesn't get out much, does he?" Maen laughed.

"Of course they'd take your forms." the Doctor reasoned, "Because they knew they'd be immediately noticed among you. And of course they'd steal oil, but never more than they'd need. As for that restaurant... maybe they served him water, which killed him, so they perceived the restaurant as a threat. It's all one big misunderstanding."

"But they're still responsible for the Phantomas crimes!" Cruchot shouted.

"Question." I brought up, "Why would these people come here if water kills them?"

"They didn't know it would." the Doctor said, "It was their mission to find out."

"To find out what kills them?" this didn't seem right.

"To find out all they could about this planet." the Doctor replied, "They were created many years ago to visit distant planets, study them, then report back."

"That's stupid." Maen responded, "Why didn't they just go themselves?"

"Because not everyone has your people's warp-abilities." the Doctor answered.

"So that's all they were? Just a group of scientists?" I asked.

"Yes..." the Doctor sighed, "And much like their creators, they are just as misunderstood."

He looked at Cruchot as he said that.

"You're joking." he didn't believe it.

"I'm sorry to say this, Doctor, but he's right." Emma agreed.

"I know." he replied, "Which is what makes all this more peculiar."

"Why would peace-loving people be committing such horrible crimes?" I understood.

"We better ask them now!" Cruchot shouted, "As soon as I can find a hose and some water."

"Cruchot." I stopped him from looking, "This is the nineties, there are easier ways."


	9. Chapter 9

How much more surreal could this possibly become? We were hunting a group of robots, lead by an alien with a Phantomas mask, who were robbing the south of France from all their cauliflowers, and we had them surrounded, armed with nothing more but water-guns. Super-soakers, to be more specific. Could this get any weirder?

"Halt!" Cruchot shouted at them, "You're surrounded! Make on move, and we'll spray you!"

I had to ask.

The robots looked at us, while Phantomas stood still, apparently not knowing what to do.

"I always hated guns, and now you're telling me to fight with water..." Maen moaned.

"Pay no attention to our friend here." the Doctor pleaded, "He just wants to kill you, but he agreed to let me try to talk to you first."

Cruchot widened his eyes at the sound of that: "I never sai..."

Emma pressed her hand against his mouth, shutting him up.

Only one of the robots reacted. A flash of light appeared, and suddenly there stood... a wrestler. The other robots followed his example.

"Er... Doc?" I asked, "Does this mean they can survive water now?"

"No it doesn't." he replied.

The robot-wrestlers were about to launch an attack on us, but as soon as they heard the Doctor give that reply, they withdrew.

"You know what they are?" Phantomas asked... with high-pitched voice that didn't fit someone of that appearance.

"And I know what you are." the Doctor replied, "What I don't know is what brings you together like this."

"That's a long story." Phantomas was about to take his mask off as he talked.

One of the robots pushed him, stopping him from doing this: "You're here to kill us again, aren't you?"

"That's right!" Cruchot shouted, not letting Emma stop him this time, "You tried to invade us, but we stopped you! I can do that again if I want to!"

Despite what the Doctor told him, he still believed those robots were a threat. Then again, seeing how they were treating Phantomas, I couldn't blame him.

"Now look..." the Doctor jumped in between them, "Being the only neutral party here..."

Cruchot took out his service revolver and pointed it at the Doctor: "I'm not so sure about that either!"

As soon as I thought this was going nowhere, Maen dropped her super-soaker, activated her light-saber, with which she destroyed her super-soaker. Before I could understand what she was doing, she opened a hole in my soaker's water-supply, rendering it useless, ran to Emma to do the same thing, cut Cruchot's weapon into two pieces, and cut off one of the robot's legs. Other robots joined in, but Maen cut off some their limbs as well.

"What was that for?" both the Doctor and Cruchot asked.

"Now we're on equal footing." she said, after deactivating her saber, "None of you are armed, and I won't use my light-saber unless provoked."

"You cut off my arm!" one of the robots complained.

"You're a droid. You can fix that." she snapped back.

"Thank you." Phantomas said, upon which he could finally take off his mask.

Underneath the mask there was what appeared to be just another man, except he wore a strange sort of stretchy hood, which had half-spheres covering his ears. This had to be that Oxoan that the Doctor mentioned before.

"How nice to finally see the Oxoan behind the mask." the Doctor said.

"You know I'm from Oxo?" he sounded ecstatic.

"Indeed." the Doctor replied, "What I don't know is why you're siding with these robots."

"I had no choice." he explained.

The robots started shout threats at him in an attempt to stop him from talking, but Maen activated her light-saber, and they stopped abruptly.

"Thank you." he told her, "My ship crashed here several moon-cycles ago. I tried to mend it, but I needed help to do that. At a junkyard, I found the remains of these robots. I thought if I could activate them, they could help me fix my ship."

"And they did?" the Doctor asked.

"No." the Oxoan said, "They wanted me to help them report back to their home-world. I told them I couldn't do it, because there isn't enough room on my ship."

"How does that excuse you from stealing?" Cruchot asked.

"They thought if they couldn't report back, they would have to file a full report unto one of your diamonds, which I would then..."

"Wait, what did you just say?" Emma wondered.

"Of course." the Doctor said, "Using diamonds to store data. It's not uncommon in the whole universe."

"Correct." the Oxoan said, "They hoped to store their report on the diamonds, which I was to bring back to their home-world, so they'd send a ship over here to pick them up."

"And you hoped that by disguising yourself as Phantomas, people would be too terrified to come after you."

"Who's Phantomas?" he asked, "I just needed a disguise, because I can't change into someone else like these artificial men can."

"And what about all the cauliflower?" I asked.

"It's the only Earth-food that I know and like." he replied.

"Naturally." the Doctor understood, "They need very little to sustain themselves, but you constantly need food, so they'd steal all the cauliflower they can find."

"Don't you think you're being too needy?" Emma asked, "With all the cauliflower you stole?"

"I don't know why, but these artificial men always stole more than I needed." the Oxoan answered, "Too much of them would rot too soon. So your sudden announcement that you'd have cauliflower was exactly what we needed."

In that case, I wondered how he felt about the Doctor wearing that mask and calling himself Phantomas, since the Oxoan made it clear he had other reasons to wear the mask, being completely oblivious to its meaning.

"Well then..." the Doctor said, "... there's no need for any of this any longer."

"How do you mean?" the Oxoan asked.

"You want to get off this planet? I can help you with that."


End file.
